death part two
death is a tough topic that many people try to stay away from, but not me.
suicide is even tougher. this month is the month one of my friends (we are going to call her rachel) had ended her life a year ago. she was so cool. i started talking to her about a month before her incident, we talked about guys and stuff like that in school. i finally got to hang out with her, by accident. me and another friend (who we will call carly) went to the local mcdonald's and bought one hundred chicken nuggets for twenty-seven dollars and seventy-four cents. carly had to go so i met up with a couple of my other friends and then we met up with rachel. we all went to a place they call "the nut shack" which is an abandoned shed that you aren't supposed to trespass. but we did anyway. i gave rachel one of my chicken nugget boxes because i wasn't going to eat it all by myself. we hung out for about the whole day and then went home.
some days pass and i'm in my room at about eleven at night looking through my friends snapchat stories. they all post something like "rest in peace rachel" and i was hoping it wasn't the rachel that i hung out with a couple days before. it turns out it was.
i go to school the next day and it's so dreary. everyone was crying. me and my group of friends in first period all cried together in a group and then the teacher read out the news to us. it hit us even harder. she was actually gone. it was hard comprehending that she was actually gone. i could not believe it.
i sometimes plan out the way i will end my own life (i will not, i want to live to see how my life turns out, and i am not depressed in any way or form)
i sometimes plan out my suicide letters in my head, who to address them to. sometimes i think about doing a thirteen reasons why kind of approach. tapes for that person.
i think about what ways and options i can do to go out with a bang.
hanging, gun, the usual stuff
i know i shouldn't really think about this stuff, or even plan it out. it would make me seem crazy. i'm not though. i enjoy the process of putting things together to get an end result.